You know what I need?

*pause here for rude/vulgar responses to subside*

A Hummer branded laptop A laptop like the one the military uses to...No. Um, I mean a laptop I can take off road at high speeds, and, uh. No. Well, how about at laptop that gets 10 miles to the gallon?

Okay, okay, it probably won't be that bad. Or that meaningful. Hummers in urban cities already make no sense. H2's are Hummers without the useful bits, just the ugly shell, and H3s are just plain stupid. Now with your pretentious waste of space gas guzzler you can get an overpriced piece of crap laptop! (Nothing beats my Powerbook )

Ah, me. They'll sell a bunch, cause there's always a moron with some money burning a hole in his pocket.

A Letter to Cindy Sheehan

Dear Cindy,

First off, I'd like to offer my condolences for your loss. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, and I hope to never find out.

Secondly, I know that what you're doing right now is difficult, and takes a lot of courage and conviction. I've read the rumors of your divorce, and don't know where you find the strength to keep on. I imagine moving forward must feel like your only option. If I were religious, I'd pray for you, but since I'm not I can only tell you that I believe what you're doing is of vital importance.

That brings me to the reason I'm writing. I heard a portion of your appearance on Talk of the Nation while in the car earlier today, and feel that the best support I can offer is a little piece of advice. Cindy, you've stepped into the spotlight as an anti-war Mom. The public eye is on you, and media's wanting to talk to you, and some vehemently oppose you. It's time to put the big girl panties on.

You simply can not continue as you are now. Faking a bad connection on a nationwide talk show, refusing to discuss your meeting with the president, and hanging up before your negotiated time are the actions of a teenage girl caught necking in a car and not wanting to face the 'rents, not the actions of a mature, thoughtful woman who has suffered a great loss and is attempting to protect the soldiers. You're in the limelight. You cannot afford to be seen as a flake, which is what your current behavior suggests. As soon as you hung up, the air waves were flooded with a procession of calm, polite pro-war parents. In comparison, you appeared rude and unfriendly. I've been against the war since the beginning, and I sympathized with the pro-war parents.Why? Because they seemed calm and sincere, ready to answer mildly hostile questions and prepared to calmly state and restate their case.

Public relations, Cindy. Pay attention to yours. You've shouldered a big responsibility, and you have to be equal to the task. Treat the media nicely. They are your only access point to most voting Americans. Don't cut the interview off early. Tough it out. Don't lie. Don't let it look like you're lying. Don't get defensive. You're doing something important. If you don't sound like you believe you're doing the right thing, no one will believe you're doing the right thing.

I have no real expectation that you'll ever read this. If you are the person you appeared on the radio, you'll get to the first word of criticism and stop. And if that's true, then you have truly lost. We have truly lost. But here's hoping that someone near you tells you the truth about how you're sounding, and guides you away from that.

Your ally against the war,

Theresa.

Firefly

I love Joss Whedon. I really, really do. I was originally a Xena fan, but Buffy, Angel and Firefly's sexy, strong female leads fufil I need I can't really explain. I think it's a need for positive role models, coupled with the need for solid entertainment. Or something.

So it disappoints me to discover I'm annoyed at him, and whoever's running his PR campaign for Serenity

Like I said, I love Joss Whedon. I watch his stuff, buy it when it's available and cheap, tape what I can, and am even going to try to pull off a Zoe costume at DragonCon. However, I'm not an obsessive collector, I don't read/post on the message boards, and have never in my life written a Whedon based fan fic. (I enjoy his work and play dress up at the con cause I'm a mild attention whore, that's all.) But those fans, those creepy obsessive fans, they exist. Okay for Buffy and Angel there's a wide swath of people who were misunderstood teens/young adults when the show aired, so this is to be expected, but Firefly is a whole different story.

I never saw Firefly when it was on the air. But then again, not many people did. It ran for an incredibly short time on Fox where is was pre-empted for baseball and sandwiched between truck commercials. (Everybody sing: "I'm a ford truck man...That's all I driiiive!") But the fan base was huge and rabid. The show went to DVD where it was in the correct order, not the order Fox aired it in, and the fan base expanded. I was introduced to Firefly by some people who sat me down and explained that this was one of the best sci fi shows ever and that they would be doing me a disservice by not showing me the show. I watched some. It was good.

That little scenario of "OMG, you have to watch this" played out repeatedly across the country. Or at least, that's the story I was fed during the pre-commercials commercials at the local AMC before a matinee showing of Brothers Grimm. In a gushing ten minute segment, I was convinced that Firefly had never really gotten a chance, (it hadn't), the fan base is great, (it is), and it's thanks to the support of loyal fans like me that Serenity the movie will make it to theatres sometime in September. (it will! yay!)

My problem, the reason I'm ticked at Joss right now, is that I buy that line. I totally believe that. I want to feel personally connected to this movie, to bring my friends and buy the merchandise, and stand in line for hours for the privilege of seeing this movie. I want to see it more than once in theatres. I want to feel that I have a connection to a greater community whose interests are being catered to and whose purchasing decisions I can ape. I want to feel that it's my love of this aborted show that makes the diffrence.I want to be able to point at that 10 minute commercial and say, "That's me. That's who I am, and that's where I'm going to be opening night."However, not all the facts line up.

After 10 minutes of feel good drivel, I realize that Joss Whedon cancelled his Dragon Con appearance because of a "prior engagement". No big deal, right? He's a grown man, and a busy man, surely he has better things to do that shake sweaty overweight hands, right? Well, sure. I don't feel he owes me anything. He's a guy who makes a show/movie I like. Nothing more. I just find it weird that the man who gushes on film about how vital the fan base is can't find time for a gathering of what, 30,000 fans? (estimate based on hearsay.) It's a massive sci fi convention. Massive. Either the gushing about the fans was him talking out his ass, or there's a part of this story that's missing.

So which is it? Do I assume the pandering to the fans is a smart marketing move to ensure the backing and eventual success of a project that he finds personally satisfying, or is it sincere and I don't know all of what's going on. Do I need to be slightly more obsessive to get access to the rumors about what's actually going on? Does it matter what's actually going on, or just the perception gleaned from what limited intelligence is available? Would it be smarter public relations to fake some information about the cancellation rather than post a sparse and sinister notice? (Yes.)

Does it even matter?

I dunno.

Drunk Post Number 1

ug. Too much to drink. Writing not fun.

Insights?

brightest Jones Diary is a brilliant idea. There's endless potential for Bridget Jones Has A Baby, Bridget Jones Has an affair, etc. Any milestone is a woman's life really, is perfect for a BJ movie. (he, he. BJ movie.)

Anyway, saw Brother's Grimm, think Gilliam's sold out, but loved the bit with the kitten. (Meow!)

Will make up for lousy post today with brilliance tomorrow.

Sounding like Jones. Good thing? Maybe not. Must fix in morning. Spelling too.


Ta ta!

Promiscuous Marketing

So the place I currently work, a regional theatre, has a lot of problems. Poor organization, departmental bitchery and pandering to the blue-haired patrons. Okay, so I can't really fault them for playing to the old folks who come to the theatre to see, be seen, and relive their childhoods. It pays their bills, and they throw in a little daring material every season to inject some fresh life to a place that otherwise would begin to reek of mothballs and gerital. As for the interdepartmental turf war, well, I work in a theatre. People spend almost as much time convincing themselves that they're hot shit as they do convincing other people.

Oh, and I work in Inside Sales. Other people would call what I do telemarketing. (Don't hate. I gotta eat too.)

What really pisses me off, (besides the nature of my work) is the Gift Shop. The gift shop, a place to buy cute little SJ Rep themed trinkets, is ridiculous. Really ridiculous. They had a sale recently, and I stuck my head in. There was a dress standing in the shop, a white Edwardian style dress that I thought would make a perfect back up wedding dress. I've bought old costumes off theatres before, they're not prohibitively expensive, (compared to the cost of a wedding dress.) They won't sell it. At all. "That's display only." Could you check? "That's not for sale. It's just for display." Fine. Assholes. You only have, what hundreds of costumes from previous shows? But okay, you display a selection of beautiful costumes and set pieces to draw people in. What are you actually selling?

Journals. Puppets. Stuffed bears. Wine glasses. Journals in a certain romantic, vintage style? No. Just normal, ruled paper journals with vinyl covers. Puppets like the ones featured in a show, or made to look like famous characters? No. Fucking wooly mammoth puppets. I didn't take too close a look at the stuffed bears or other ridiculous trinkets.

The theatre's gift shop stocks any old thing. Despite the fact that people come to the gift shop from the theatre, the amount of theatre related merchandise actually for sale is severely limited. Rather than being a classy high priced whore like the theatre is supposed to be, the gift shop spreads it's legs for anyone with five bucks in their pocket. Rather than take a couple hundred out of my pocket for a second hand costume gathering dust in a corner, they'd rather I shell out $35 for a creepy mastodon I can stick my hand up and make talk.

Ridiculous. If you're gonna slap your name on something, have some care what you slap it on. That gift shop is an ambassador for you, one your patrons carry home with them, and give away for Christmas. Would you rather be the place to go for lavish costumes and sets, beautiful soundtracks, and stunning visuals that scale nicely to postcards, or the place to go for creepy, expensive puppets of extinct animals?
Dumbasses.

No Lard

There are some branding decisions I just don't understand. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that some people just don't take their language theory classes. (Or completley lack common sense.)

Today's example is Baja Fresh. I was enjoying a midmorning slice of cake with Cruthcer, Kat and a friend. We were taking our morning refreshment on the porch outside the Prolific Oven, which is right next to Baja Fresh. They pride themselves on the Fresh part, and to back that up they list in large, bold letters above the counter the list of things they don't use. "No MSG", actaully, makes sense to post over the counter. MSG, as I understand it, is a "flavor enhancer". It's added to a lot of food, paticularly asian food. Some people have a sensitivity to MSG, some poeple have a allergy. Reactions to MSG can be extreme, but since MSG is a colorless additive, (it looks like salt, kinda) it's hard to tell by looking or tasting if it's been added to food.

So "No MSG" above the counter makes sense. This, however, bothers me.

"No Lard".

It's 2005. Does any fast food chain still use lard? Outside of the Bible Belt?

Definition through opposition is a dangerous thing, and if it's not working for the Democratic party, it's not going to work for your "fresh mex" food chain. When was the last time you saw lard listed as an ingredient at McDonald's? You didn't. No one makes a big deal about using lard. Vegetable oil, peanut oil, and beef tallow, yes. But Lard? Eeew! They write "No Lard" right above the door, but leave it off the rest of their branding. (Good thing, too.)

I don't think I'm going to be able to ever eat at Baja Fresh. I'm going to see "Lard" written in large letters everytime I see "Baja Fresh".

Rocky Horror and Abercormbie and Fitch

Watching Rocky Horror with John and Nathan(virgin!) There's an example of failed branding. w00t fanbase!

I've been disturbed by a recent trend in mall advertising. Maybe it's just in San Jose, maybe I just didn't notice this before, but it makes me feel dirty. It's half-nude models in front certain stores. Like Abercrombie, a company being sued for unfair promotion practices and it's tendancy to overlook the not-so-pretty people for promotion. Personally, I think it's creepy and sad that they can find people to play a combination wal-mart greeter and window dressing. (da da da...I'm just a sweet transvestite!...)

Of course, trying to muster outrage at the dehumanising exploitation of another human being's sexuality while watching Rocky Horror is both difficult and confusing.


More later. I'm going to try to get some pics of the beefcake.

Genesis

In the begining, there was Taco Bell.

I must have missed the memo that went out, annoucing that from now on smart-ass will be considered a major marketing tactic.

Have you seen the Taco Bell sauce packets? They caught me by surprise one drunken satuday night. (Corporate tacos make good hangover cures.) There I was, wallowing the low-level aggravation of dealing with customers and employees at a fast fod joint, when this small orange packet of mediocre hot sauce unexpectedly makes me laugh. I can't remember now what it said, but I do remember making the effort to go back to Taco Bell every once in a while to see what the new packets said.

Silly, huh?

Then there's Burger King. The wrappers on the double cheesburger, the back of the box of onion rings. It's really cute, smart(-ish) stuff.

So that's what this blog is about. Or, going to be about. branding as I see it, both good and bad.

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